Just to prove that pilots do have a sense of humour.

AIRSPEED – Speed of an airplane. (Deduct 25% when listening to a retired or an inebriated pilot.)

BANK – The people who hold the loan on most pilots’ cars, homes and aircraft.

CARBURETOR ICING – A phenomenon reported to the CAA by pilots immediately after they run out of fuel.

CONE OF CONFUSION – An area about the size of De Aar located near the final approach fix at an airport.

CRUISE – Where you are heading after a night of heavy drinking when your spouse confronts you or what your next holiday is.

DEAD RECKONING – You reckon correctly, or you are.

DESTINATION – Geographical location 30 minutes beyond the pilot’s bladder saturation point.

ENGINE FAILURE – A condition that occurs when all fuel tanks mysteriously become filled with air.

FIREWALL – Section of the aircraft specifically designed to funnel heat and smoke into the cockpit.

FLIGHT FOLLOWING – Formation flying.

GLIDE DISTANCE – Half the distance from an airplane to the nearest emergency landing field.

HOBBS – An instrument which creates an emergency situation should it fail during flight.

HYDROPLANE – An airplane designed to land long on a short and wet runway.

LANDING Place outside the pub where you get together with friends to drink.

LEAN MIXTURE – Non-alcoholic beer.

MINI MAG LITE Device designed to support the AA battery industry.

NANOSECOND – Time delay between the Low Fuel Warning light and the onset of carburettor icing.

PARASITIC DRAG – A pilot who bums a ride and complains about the service.

RICH MIXTURE – What you order at another pilot’s promotion party.

ROGER – Used when you’re not sure what else to say or friend you know at the pub.

SECTIONAL CHART – Any chart that ends 25 nm short of your destination.

SERVICE CEILING – Altitude at which cabin crew can serve drinks.

SPOILERS – CAA Inspectors.

STALL – Technique used to explain to the bank why your loan payment is late.

STEEP BANKS – Banks that charge pilots more than the current interest rate.

TAKEOFF – What pilots say to their spouses when they will not allow them to go flying.

TURN & BANK INDICATOR – An instrument largely ignored by pilots with a lovely little model aircraft picture.

USEFUL LOAD – The total amount of passengers and luggage you can get into the aircraft until every space is taken up irrespective of weight.

WAC CHART – Directions to the military female barracks.

X – Most pilots marriage status.

YANKEE – An American.

ZULU – A South African person.


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